


You Look Happier

by xjelx



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses, sarah j maas - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M, cassian misses nesta, post breakup
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 23:27:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13798584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xjelx/pseuds/xjelx
Summary: After Cassian and Nesta break up, Cassian struggles to adapt to the change in his life. He longs to have her back, but Nesta doesn't seem to want the same. Heavily influenced by Ed Sheeran's song happier; you should all go listen to it.





	You Look Happier

Cassian had already drained his sixth drink by the time his family had joined him at Rita’s. They had been here for just under an hour now. He had tried to look as though he was enjoying himself, had somehow convinced himself he was, that was until she walked in.

It had been one month since they had broken up and Cassian had decided, the second he let her walk out of his apartment door, that it was the worst decision he had ever made. That day had haunted him ever since. It wasn’t entirely his fault, they had both said things that they didn’t mean. However, the guilt was slowly eating him alive. In anger, he had used words that he knew, when thrown at the right angle, would shatter her shins and bring her to her knees. He knew what he said broke part of her, he saw the light in her eyes get replaced by bleakness as he spewed the venom. Stupidly, he thought they would resolve their argument, like they usually did, and fall back into each others arms. Had she of come home that night he would have apologized profusely and told her, repeatedly, that he loved her. Although, she hadn’t returned that evening and, for that reason, Cassian knew he had crushed whatever chance he had at being happy. He had ruined it for himself.

His stomach dropped at the sight of her-His Nesta-every muscle in his body going tense as he restrained himself from rushing to her side. It was no surprise that she looked just as devastatingly beautiful as usual. Yet, what did surprise him was that there was something different about her. A bounce to her step and a glint in her eyes that their months of disagreements had long extinguished. She looked good. She looked happier. He knew he shouldn’t be annoyed over the fact that she was handling the breakup well, but part of him couldn’t help but feel envious. She wasn’t drinking away the pain like him, wasn’t spiralling into an abyss of self pity like him. No, she was walking through a sea of people, with her head held high and the knowing look of a women who looked like a goddess. 

He couldn’t do this. It was too soon-too fresh of a wound.

His eyes never left hers yet, hers never found his, not until she reached their table and spotted Cassian sat on the end. Storm grey eyes met his hazel ones and, in that moment, he forgot all the pain of the last month and simply locked his eyes with hers. Eyes that he could have once lost himself in; a still point in the turning world. 

He needed her to look away, afraid that if he kept his gaze locked on hers he would shatter, however, he didn’t think he would be able to handle it if she did. Without breaking her stare, he greeted her, almost breathlessly, as if afraid the sound of his voice would scare her away. To his dismay, it broke whatever trance they were in and she quickly began speaking to her sisters, telling them all about her hectic week. 

Cassian watched her in awe. He didn’t hear a single word she said but, he didn’t need to. She was happier without him. He could tell that it wasn’t intended, that she hadn’t planned on adapting so well to the circumstances, it had just happened. After cutting her strings to him she was able to heal what she hadn’t known was broken. Nesta needn’t tell Cassian any of this because he knew her better than anyone sat at their table. Only now, seeing Nesta as light and carefree as she was, did Cassian realise she had been hurting. So overcome by the need to make her happy, he hadn’t noticed how he had been drowning her. they had, Undoubtedly, loved each other too much and, consequently, burnt one another out.  
Only in her absence was Cassian able to truly see her. She was his sunshine. He had delighted in her warmth yet, had never really looked at her unless in frustration. If she was dull and introverted, he missed her. If she was bright and intense, he hid, afraid she would scorch him with the words that fell from her perfect mouth. He realised that he only properly looked at her during the beauty of her leave. In the darkness she left behind, he wondered how he had never seen her before. 

Breaking Cassian out of thought, Feyre said something that made Nesta throw her head back with laughter, to the point at which tears formed in the corners of her eyes. At that, Cassian felt his lips twitch upwards into a small smile. It had been so long since he had seen the women he loved like this, it destroyed him a little to know that he wasn’t the reason for it. Or, he was, but not for the reasons he wanted to be. 

Their relationship had been a car crash but they were both so stubbornly in love to admit it.

He tried to ignore how the constant metronome of his heart beat felt like a spastic drumline. How his ears were filled with the constant buzzing of bees, like a white noise machine playing all of the sounds at once.

Faintly, Cassian could hear Mor asking whether he was alright. He nodded absentmindedly, she most likely already knew how he was feeling.  
He had to leave. It was all getting too much for him with her here smiling, reminding him of all the ways in which he had failed her.

“I’m going to get some air, i’ll be back in five, ok?” Cassian muttered to no one in particular as he pulled himself out of his seat and headed for the exit. 

As soon as he breathed in the fresh air he could instantly feel his pulse slowing and the fog in his mind clearing. If Nesta could be happy so could he. Sure, it may take longer for him to move on but, he would get there because she was better off without him. 

To his right, The door to the bar opened and he heard the slow click of heels on the concrete. 

“Cass? Are you ok?” something within him almost shattered at the sound of her voice. She sounded heartbroken, as if it hurt her to be around him just as much as it hurt him to be around her.  
He didn’t think he could look at her. If he did he would break; she always was his undoing. So instead, he kept his eyes on the ground ahead and leant back again the brick wall. 

“You seem happy,” he said, his voice hoarse and hardly more than a whisper.  
“I am,” she sighed, “are you?”

“Not really, but i’ll be alright,” he replied truthfully, offering her that last part of his heart. Hoping she would find solace knowing that even if he may be hurting, he would heal. He would find himself again, and if she chooses to lead a separate life to his, it would be ok. 

Apprehensively, he turned to her and watched as she strolled to stand next to him. As she dropped her head on to his shoulder, she sighed, “i wish it could have been different you know? I wish we could have healed together rather than breaking each other even more. We just don’t click anymore, not like before. We started hurting each other in ways that we would have never even comprehended-”

“I love you Nesta. I always will. For that reason, you don’t have to excuse or apologize for your happiness. I saw it the moment you walked in tonight. You’re a different person and that’s ok. I’m devastated that i couldn’t give you what you truly needed, but sometimes that’s just the way it is. I only ever wanted you to be happy Nesta, and you’re happier without me, i can see it in those gorgeous eyes of yours. You have to think about yourself first.” He offered her the smallest, most heart breaking smile, “ I will wait for you. Even if you never come back to me, I will wait for you. The sliver of happiness I could have with you is worth it.”

He turned and brushed his fingers against her cheek, “I’m happy, as long as you are.”

As painful as it was, he had to go. He couldn’t stand there talking to her because the longer he stayed, the harder it would be to leave.

“Goodbye, Nesta. I wish you the best.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first piece of writing I'm actually proud of and the first piece I'm posting on here! Any feed back would be appreciated since I'm fairly new to all this. Hope you enjoyed!


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